Another restless night…

Sometimes I think I can’t sleep because you want to talk to me, to impart your wisdom into my humble brain.  Perhaps it’s because you want me to feel your love bound around my heart.  To understand my value in Your eyes.

I find myself focusing once again on the question I can’t seem to shake. How I could possibly be single?  How could all of those desires I had to be a godly wife and mom, to raise kids for your name and your will, be unfulfilled?  Am I worthy to raise children?  Am I worthy to have a loving and godly husband?  Have I done something wrong?   How come the feelings of loss are so overwhelming never having known the love of a husband and children?

Trust!  It always comes to my mind.  Trust me with your life, your desires, and your fortune.  Trust that I know what’s best for you, what’s best for your purpose through me.  Trust that, no matter how lonely you feel, I am always right by your side.

It’s so hard to stay focused when your friends, or for that matter, even strangers ask, “haven’t you ever wanted to get married?”  I know all the answers to give so they don’t feel ashamed having asked the question.  But, my heart cries out and even dies a little every time I’m asked.  In my head I’m screaming out YES!!  YES I wanted to be married, YES I wanted to have kids but I have to TRUST.  Trust God knows what’s best for me even if I can’t see it, even if I don’t understand it, even if I never receive it!

So many blessing fill my life.  Am I ungrateful?  Why have career success if I can’t share it with anyone?  Why have love if not to give?  Why have desires if never fulfilled?  So many questions go unanswered.  I do see God’s hand woven throughout my life and how He has guided me, loved me and protected me.  Why isn’t that enough?  I try with all I can to figure out what the verse means that says “hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it’s a tree of life” Proverbs 13:12.  What if the desire never comes?  What if there’s no tree for me?

I’m not ungrateful, I have so many things to be thankful for and abundant blessings in my life.  I am just unable to answer the simple question, why?

It wasn’t my choice, it wasn’t my desire, it wasn’t my dream.

It isn’t my life, it isn’t my dream.  All I am and what I am meant to be is YOURS Lord.  You are my husband, you are my family.  You’re with me wherever I go, speaking to me, holding me, guiding me.

I live for you!

The answer…It’s not my life to plan.  It’s not my desire to fulfill.  His time. His way.  His will.