Another restless night…

Sometimes I think I can’t sleep because you want to talk to me, to impart your wisdom into my humble brain.  Perhaps it’s because you want me to feel your love bound around my heart.  To understand my value in Your eyes.

I find myself focusing once again on the question I can’t seem to shake. How I could possibly be single?  How could all of those desires I had to be a godly wife and mom, to raise kids for your name and your will, be unfulfilled?  Am I worthy to raise children?  Am I worthy to have a loving and godly husband?  Have I done something wrong?   How come the feelings of loss are so overwhelming never having known the love of a husband and children?

Trust!  It always comes to my mind.  Trust me with your life, your desires, and your fortune.  Trust that I know what’s best for you, what’s best for your purpose through me.  Trust that, no matter how lonely you feel, I am always right by your side.

It’s so hard to stay focused when your friends, or for that matter, even strangers ask, “haven’t you ever wanted to get married?”  I know all the answers to give so they don’t feel ashamed having asked the question.  But, my heart cries out and even dies a little every time I’m asked.  In my head I’m screaming out YES!!  YES I wanted to be married, YES I wanted to have kids but I have to TRUST.  Trust God knows what’s best for me even if I can’t see it, even if I don’t understand it, even if I never receive it!

So many blessing fill my life.  Am I ungrateful?  Why have career success if I can’t share it with anyone?  Why have love if not to give?  Why have desires if never fulfilled?  So many questions go unanswered.  I do see God’s hand woven throughout my life and how He has guided me, loved me and protected me.  Why isn’t that enough?  I try with all I can to figure out what the verse means that says “hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it’s a tree of life” Proverbs 13:12.  What if the desire never comes?  What if there’s no tree for me?

I’m not ungrateful, I have so many things to be thankful for and abundant blessings in my life.  I am just unable to answer the simple question, why?

It wasn’t my choice, it wasn’t my desire, it wasn’t my dream.

It isn’t my life, it isn’t my dream.  All I am and what I am meant to be is YOURS Lord.  You are my husband, you are my family.  You’re with me wherever I go, speaking to me, holding me, guiding me.

I live for you!

The answer…It’s not my life to plan.  It’s not my desire to fulfill.  His time. His way.  His will.


Hugh and Carolyn

May 18, 2014

Hugh and Carolyn

Today I had the pleasure of meeting an endearing couple. It all started because of a cup of coffee. “ I’d like a sugar free mocha please”.  I stepped aside and waited for my order to be called.  A kind eyed gentleman standing in the waiting area motioned for me to step in front of him stating my drink was going to be ready before his.  That was enough to get a conversation started.

After complementing me on my outfit and color coordination his “friend” walked up. He said, “Carolyn, look at her outfit.  She’s got on all your favorite colors”.  Sure enough, she liked the outfit too.  Had I had an extra change of clothes in my carryon bag, I would have gone and changed so that I could give her the clothes she admired.  “Where are you headed?” he asked, “Ketchikan” I replied.  At that instant, they turned and looked at each other with admiration in their eyes, big smiles on their faces and embraced.

While I stood there in an awkward moment he turned and stated, “that’s where we met”. They informed me back in 1957, after a short discussion of the exact year, in their mid-20’s they had met in Ketchikan before Alaska was an official state.  They were each married to other people and became lifelong friends, both interacting and celebrating milestones together.  Now, he in his 80’s and her at 79 (yesterday as a matter of fact), they have re-connected.

Over the last 50 years they have been able to stay good friends, corresponding through mail, a lost art at that, and celebrating each other’s birthdays. After they each lost their spouses (her husband 2 years ago and his wife passed in July 2013), it was time to connect once again, this time face to face.  Hugh called up Carolyn and asked if she would mind him coming to visit, she stated she had a conference in Las Vegas and he could join her there if he wanted.  Without hesitation he began planning his trip from the San Jose area to see her.

In my discussion with this couple, it was evident how much love they have for one another. It was something about the way they looked at each other, their gentile touches, fondness in memories shared, not to mention the fact they had constant smiles on their faces and their eyes sparkled when they looked at each other.  At one point, it even brought me to tears.  I quickly pulled out a business card to hand to each of them and let them know if they were ever in my neck of the woods, I would love to treat them to dinner.  We hugged and headed our own way to catch our flights.

I think Love is an amazing thing. It comes in all shapes and sizes, colors and containers.  It doesn’t have to meet a certain criteria, a pattern, or age, it just happens.  This couple was as in love as teenagers and it was evidenced in their every cherished moment.